1. If you’re between 10-17 and looking for someone to marry, you’re an idiot.
At this point, sorry but you’re a kid. Listen to Justin Bieber and play your video games. Stop looking for the love of your life and worry about your grades. Get outside and mow the fucking lawn. Talk back to your parents. Sneak out to get wasted at a party. Sit with the cool kids at lunch. Learn to play an instrument. Cut the crusts off your PB & J. Put your fucking iPhone down.
If you’re thinking about marriage, your parents should be shot in the face. Twice. I don’t want to go any further with this item as my blood pressure is already high.
2. How to speak and write like a boss.
If you say the word “like” every twenty seconds, or speak like a vapid twat, die in a fire. Shakespeare is the original fucking English major. The man writes in a way that requires thought and reason to read. If you can’t read Shakespeare, try again. If you can read Shakespeare and can roll the dialogue off of your tongue, you can call yourself “well spoken.” Unless, after reading his work you still speak like a douche. What can I say? You can’t repair stupid.
Also, you learn how to insult people properly. Read these, you draggle-tailed guttersnipe.
3. Reality TV sucks.
If you think Duck Dynasty is the absolute end and dismiss Shakespearean theater as “gay”, you are everything that is wrong with the world.
Shakespeare wrote about issues that were common in the Elizabethan era, and as such most of his work is still relevant, even today. Shakespeare and Marlowe WERE reality TV. You can learn everything you need to know about life from reading their work. If you want to know how to be a pretentious douche, an uneducated redneck or a outright bitch, you can watch Jersey Shore, Duck Dynasty and Real Housewives of (insert overrated geographical area that contain a lot of ungrateful cunts here), respectively.
Life sucks sometimes. Your girlfriend kills herself or is going to be married to some douche, your ship gets torn to peices by a storm, your uncle sleeps with your mother after killing your Dad. Shit ain’t fair, son.
Shakespeare’s tragedies are prime examples on how NOT to deal with situations. For example in Romeo and Juliet, Juliet appears to have died and Romeo kills himself. I don’t think I’m stretching the boundaries of taste to say that possibly these were overreactions. If you’re Juliet, being 14 and forced to marry, call social services or run the fuck away. If you’re Romeo and it appears your girlfriend killed herself, butch up and find another woman. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that. Or at least wait a few minutes. Clearly women in Shakespears era like to fake their own deaths. If you have to fake a death to get out of marrying someone, you lack coping skills.
5. Keep your life as simple as you can.
Hamlet realizes his uncle killed his father and is fucking his mother. Rather than be Stewie Griffin and compose an elaborate plan that involves a shitload of slight of hand and a group of trusted confidants, why not just say, “Fuck it, I’m the prince of Denmark” and stab his ass? Then if someone objects to you stabbing his ass, stab him too! Hand out stabbings like soup at a homeless shelter. Stab whoever needs to be stabbed! When there is no one else who needs to be stabbed, stop stabbing. Why is this so difficult?
Shakespeare, while entertaining, demonstrates that if your life is simple, you will prosper. If you make your life a real version of “Ocean’s Eleven”, you’re gonna get stabbed by some random dude when he gets back from France and realizes you killed his father.
Now go read… DO IT!